HELPING HAND

An Englishman has arrived at Sydney airport for a trip back to the UK.   He had planned everything to the finest detail but had totally forgotten the newly introduced departure tax; He had already converted his cash into pounds.

” excuse me “, he said as he approached the guy at the departure tax office.  “Excuse me, I am about to return to England, and it will cost Me $5 .00. Can you lend me some money/.”

The Aussie on the counter flicked him a $20 note.  Yes, Mate. Here is a $20 take three of your bloody Pommy mates with you.                                         

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NOT FAST ENOUGH

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way, he saw a bloke having sex with a  sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and
ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg flogging himself furiously at the bar.
     “For Gawd’s sake!” the bloke cried, “what the hell’s going  on here? I’ve been here one hour, and I’ve seen a bloke  shagging a sheep, and now some bloke’s wanking himself off in the bar!”  “Fair dinkum, mate,” the bartender told him, “you can’t  expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep!”

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GREAT PEOPLE

“You will love it in Australia.” The immigration officer told the Englishman as he arrived for his new life in Australia, “The Australians are the greatest people in the world; they will give you the clothes off their back and share their food. Give you shelter in their homes, and never criticise your bad habit . . . But I advise you to stay away from the White Bastards.

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