These Jokes are taken from my old website – https://web.archive.org/web/20060905142931/http://www.joking.sumpy.com/joking8.html
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, “What have you done to enter Heaven?”
“I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord’s babies into the world.”
“Good enough to enter the gates,” replied St. Peter, and he went in.
The same question is asked of the second doctor.
“I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor.”
St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and, knowing the question, blurts out, “I am a director of an HMO.”
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, “Fine, you can enter Heaven…but only for 2 days.”
—————————————————————
LETTERS
A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend in Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend in Wisconsin; why do you ask?”
———————————————————–
HARLEY GIRL
A woman goes to her doctor’s office, afraid of the strange development inside her thighs—a green spot on each. They won’t wash or scrape off and seem to worsen.
The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of the problem and tells her not to worry until the tests return.
A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. Much to her relief, it’s the doctor. She immediately begs to know what’s
causing the spots.
The doctor says, “You’re perfectly healthy–there’s no problem. But I’m wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?”
The woman stammers, “Why, Yes, but how did you know?”
“Tell him his earrings aren’t real gold.”
————————————————————————
SPAGHETTI
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterwards, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months passed, and then the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange, bizarre mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'”
—————————————————————–
Did you hear about the blonde who bathed her cat? She still hasn’t gotten all of the hair off of her tongue!
———————————————————–
DEODORANT
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for rectum deodorant. A little bemused pharmacist explains to the woman that they don’t sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store regularly and would like more.
I’m sorry”, says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always buy it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container that it came in?” asks the pharmacist.
“YES”, said the blonde. “I’ll go home and get it.”
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container….”TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM”
—————————————————————-
ENCHANTED BRIDGE
A blonde, brunette, and redhead cross an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says they can be transformed if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells, “Eagle!” She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out, “Salmon!” She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics.
“Crap!”
————————————————————
GUNNYSACKS
Three women—a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde—escaped from prison. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn, where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. They found three large gunnysacks when they climbed up and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later, the sheriff and his deputy entered the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there, the sheriff asked him what he saw, and the deputy yelled back, “Just three gunnysacks.”
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack with the redhead in it. She went, “Bow-wow”, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, “Meow”, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound. So he kicked it again, and finally, the blonde said, “Potatoes”.
———————————————————————————–
FLOWERS
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, walk down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.
Redhead sighed and said, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”
The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?”
The redhead said, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”
————————————————
MORE SNOW
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? This is a true story.
There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did because they were laughing so hard!
—————————————–
TELEPHONE COMPANY
A South Carolina farmwife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog constantly moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman
proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t
ring right away, but then the dog moaned, and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. A steel chain and collar tied The dog to the telephone system’s ground wire.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog received 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would moan and urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring… which demonstrates that
some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
———————————————————————
UNDERWEAR
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove to Walmart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to continue shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. A while later, the wife returned to see a small group of people near the vehicle. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
When she regained her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches on his forehead.
THE FUNNIEST BEDTIME STORY FOR BOYS
MISTAKE
A beautiful young lady decided she wanted to get rich quickly, so she proceeded to find herself a wealthy 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went smoothly despite the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to go to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”
The elderly groom replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of
a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.”
————————————————————
ESCAPED PRISONER
A prisoner escapes from prison, where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, give him
satisfaction. This guy’s dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you.”
The wife responds, “He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too….”
————————————————–
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, “What have you done to enter Heaven?”
“I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord’s babies into the world.”
“Good enough to enter the gates,” replied St. Peter, and he went in.
The same question is asked of the second doctor.
“I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor.”
St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and, knowing the question, blurts out, “I am a director of an HMO.”
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, “Fine, you can enter Heaven…but only for 2 days.”
—————————————————————
LETTERS
A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. He notices a red ‘H’ on her chest as she removes her blouse. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. He notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest as she removes her blouse. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. He notices a green ‘M’ on her chest as she removes her blouse. “Do you have a boyfriend in Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend in Wisconsin; why do you ask?”
———————————————————–
HARLEY GIRL
A woman goes to her doctor’s office, afraid of the strange development inside her thighs—a green spot on each. They won’t wash or scrape off and seem to worsen.
The doctor assures her he’ll get to the bottom of the problem and tells her not to worry until the tests return.
A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. Much to her relief, it’s the doctor. She immediately begs to know what’s
causing the spots.
The doctor says, “You’re perfectly healthy–there’s no problem. But I’m wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?”
The woman stammers, “Why, Yes, but how did you know?”
“Tell him his earrings aren’t real gold.”
————————————————————————
SPAGHETTI
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterwards, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months passed, and the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange, bizarre mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'”
—————————————————————–
Did you hear about the blonde who bathed her cat? She still hasn’t gotten all of the hair off of her tongue!
———————————————————–
DEODORANT
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for rectum deodorant. A little bemused pharmacist explains to the woman that they don’t sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store regularly and would like more.
I’m sorry”, says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always buy it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container that it came in?” asks the pharmacist.
“YES”, said the blonde. “I’ll go home and get it.”
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container….”TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM”
—————————————————————-
ENCHANTED BRIDGE
A blonde, brunette, and redhead cross an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says they can be transformed if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells, “Eagle!” She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out, “Salmon!” She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics.
“Crap!”
————————————————————
GUNNYSACKS
Three women—a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde—escaped prison. They ran for miles until they found an old barn, where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. They found three large gunnysacks when they climbed up and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later, the sheriff and his deputy entered the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there, the sheriff asked him what he saw, and the deputy yelled back, “Just three gunnysacks.”
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack with the redhead. She went, “Bow-wow”, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, “Meow”, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound. So he kicked it again, and finally, the blonde said, “Potatoes”.
———————————————————————————–
FLOWERS
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, walk down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.
Redhead sighed and said, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”
The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?”
The redhead said, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”
————————————————
MORE SNOW
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? This is a true story.
There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did because they were laughing so hard!
—————————————–
TELEPHONE COMPANY
A South Carolina farmwife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog constantly moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman
proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t
ring right away, but then the dog moaned, and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. A steel chain and collar tied The dog to the telephone system’s ground wire.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog received 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would moan and urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring… which demonstrates that
some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
———————————————————————
AROMAT THEFARTEN HOUND children’s story
UNDERWEAR
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove to Walmart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to continue shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. A while later, the wife returned to see a small group of people near the vehicle. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
When she regained her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches on his forehead.
——————————————–
MISTAKE
A beautiful young lady decided she wanted to get rich quickly, so she proceeded to find herself a wealthy 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went smoothly despite the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to go to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”
The elderly groom replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of
a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.”
————————————————————
ESCAPED PRISONER
A prisoner escapes from prison, where he has served 15 years. He stops at a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. He kisses her on the neck, gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, give him
satisfaction. This guy’s dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you.”
The wife responds, “He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too….”
————————————————–