An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.”
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.”
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next service station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the pump.
“What can I do for ya’ll?” asks the attendant. “Fill ‘her up,” replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.
“What kind of car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.” “Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “this, my boy is a latest Cadillac DeVille.”
“What all’s it got in it?” asks the attendant.
“Well,” says the driver, “it has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine.”
“Wow,” says the attendant, “that’s really something!”
“How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver.
“That’ll be $30.17,” says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
“What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant.
“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the motorist.
“Wow,” says the attendant, “those Cadillac people think of everything!”
A police officer pulls over a Huge Cadillac for speeding.
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. it was suspended.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a body in the trunk !?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. Police quickly surrounded the car, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened; nobody.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying Son of a Bitch told you I was speeding, too…
A Classic Chevrolet car is stopped by the police one night. A cop comes round to the driver’s window an says, “Excuse me sir, but your near side tail light isn’t working.”
The Chevy Driver gives an exasperated sigh, “Oh for heavens sake, haven’t you lot got anything better to do!” He jumps out of the Chevrolet and goes to the back, giving the tail light a hard kick. It comes on. “There, now are you satisfied,” he says sarcastically.
“Very good,” says the Police officer. “Now go round and kick the front and see if a tax disc comes up.”
A blonde had called a mechanic when her newly purchased 1965 Chevrolet Corvette had broken down.
‘That’s a lovely car,’ says the mechanic. ‘What seems to be the matter?’
Well, it just conked out, I’m afraid.’
‘Let me have look.’ The mechanic set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
‘Thank goodness,’ she said. ‘What was the matter ?’
‘Simple, really, just poop in the carburettor he replied.
Looking shocked, she asked, ‘Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?’
The advert said $1000 for a 2-door Chevy. Discovering that the car for sale is a 1960 Corvette, The Buyer says to the woman selling the car, “You know the car has to be worth at least $10,000, why are you selling it so cheap?” The woman replied, “My husband has left me for another woman. He told me to sell the corvette and send him the money.”
‘This is a great Ford, ‘ said the Salesman, It runs so smooth you cannot feel it. It runs so quietly you cannot hear it . It runs so perfectly you cannot smell it. . And so Damn fast you cannot see it. Alfred thought for a second and asked the Ford salesman. . How do I know it is there?
Getting behind with the Ford repayments, John received a phone call from the finance carpet, In an attempt to shame the car owner into catching up with the payments the finance company asked, “what do you think your neighbours would think if we re-possessed the Ford? – John answered back. I had a talk with my neighbours, and they all think it would be a ‘lousy trick’..
SHUT UP !
A traffic patrol cop catches a Ford travelling at 85 mph in a 70 mph limit. Putting on his lights and siren, he follows the car and makes it pull over. He gets out of the patrol car and approaches the other driver.
“Excuse me, sir”, starts the officer, “are you aware you have been travelling at 85 mph and the speed limit is only 70?”
“I’m sorry, officer, you must be mistaken, I never break the speed limit”.
“Oh, come on, Henry,” says the other occupant in the car, Henry’s wife, “you know you always go at least 80 mph on this road if you think you can get away with it!”
“will you shut up!!” shouts an annoyed Henry.
“Also sir, I notice your right hand rear tail light isn’t working. I’m going to have to book you for that as well”
“Not working?” demands Henry “well, it certainly was this morning. It must have just blown just now.”
“Now then Henry, you know that’s not true”, chips in the wife, “:I’ve been nagging you to get that fixed since last week”.
“Damn it, you stupid woman, will you keep your mouth shut!”
“Sir, there’s something else I have to report you for. You were not wearing your seat belt, which of course is a further offence”.
“Of course I was”, says Henry. “I just took it off when I stopped the car”.
“Now then, Henry”, chimes in the wife yet again. “You know how you always forget to buckle up. How many times have I told you?”
“For God’s sake you silly bitch , will you shut the hell up!” Henry by now is very angry.
The officer turns to Henry’s wife. “Tell me madam, does your husband always speak to you like this?”
“Yes, he’s always the same after he’s had a few drinks…..”
HENRY FORD ENTERING HEAVEN
At the gates of Heaven, the angel tells Henry Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”
Henry Ford thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang with Adam, the first man.” So, the angel points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of the woman?”
Adam says, “Yes.”
“Well, says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. The rear end wobbles too much.
4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.”
“Hmmm…”, says Adam, “Hold on.” So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper, and Adam reads it.
Adam says, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.”
A Quick Paint Job
A hobo came up to the front door of the neat-looking farmhouse and knocked gently on the door. When the owner answered, the hobo asked, “Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven’t had a good meal in several days.”
The owner said, “I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I never give anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal.”
So the hobo went around back, and a little later, he again knocked on the door. The owner said, “Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in.”
The hobo said, “Thank you very much, sir. But there is something that I think you should know. It’s not a porch; it’s a BMW.,
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping train carriage. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”
With a glint in his eye, the man leans out and says, “I’ve got a better idea….let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Why not,” giggles the woman.
“Good”, he replies. “Get your own damn blanket.”