Hurry
Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they’ve forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, “You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer.”
” No way, ” says the second. ” By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food. “
” I promise I won’t, ” says the turtle. ” Just hurry! “
Nine full days pass, and there’s still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle shouts from behind a rock and yells, ” I knew it! I’m not f-cking going! “
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ANIMAL
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. “What are you doing?” his mother asked.”
The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”
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FROG IN FOREST
A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the enchanted forest, he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks this isn’t right; everyone should live peacefully. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other, he’ll give them both three wishes.
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the remaining bears in the forest are female. Poof, all of them are female. Next, the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.
The bear thinks for a second, making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the remaining bears in the country are female. Again — poof — all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazement. How dumb is this rabbit, he thinks to himself? All he had to do was wish for money, and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.
It is time for the bear’s final wish, and he takes a second to make sure he doesn’t waste it. After a minute, he wished all the other bears in the world were female. And again, poof, they are all female.
Next, the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ”I wish that that bear is gay.”
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WOLF MAN
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
“How was work, dear?” his wife asks.
“Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts.
“Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks sweetly.
“Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! I don’t want to eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?
Can’t I come home from work and do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?”
At this moment, the wolf man started growling and throwing things around the apartment madly.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself…
“Well, I guess it’s that time of the month!”
HORSES
HORSE FALL
I had a near-death experience that changed me forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on but was thrown off. When things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head-first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!
This Joke submitted
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STOLEN HORSE
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. “Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?” he yells. No one answers. “All right, I’m gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain’t outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas.” He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, “Say pardner, what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turns to him, and says, “I had to bloody walk home.”
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SMART HORSE
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man’s car bumper. Then he yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull.” Benny didn’t move. Then he yelled, “Come on, pull Ranger.” Still, Benny didn’t move. Then he yelled really loud, “Now pull, Fred, pull hard.” Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Okay, Benny, pull.” Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, “Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn’t even try.”
These Joke submitted
MONKEY TEST
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He sits down and orders a whiskey. His monkey runs over to the pool table, picks up a ball and swallows it. The bartender looks at the man and says, “Whoa, your monkey just ate one of my pool balls!” The man replies, “Doesn’t surprise me, he’ll eat anything.” He pays for his drink and the ball and leaves. The same man returns to the bar a week later with his monkey. He sits down and orders a whiskey. His monkey jumps up on the bar and grabs a cherry from the garnish tray. He puts the cherry up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender looks at the man and says, “Did you see that?! Your monkey just put that cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!” The man replies, “Doesn’t surprise me, he’ll eat anything, but ever since the pool ball he measures first.”
, This Joke submitted by
KITTEN
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
” How did you know?” his mother asked.
“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”
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TOUGH PUSSY
Rocky the rooster was the biggest, meanest rooster in the world and spent his time beating the crap out of all the farm animals. One day he picked on the farm yard cat. Unfortunately, the cat beat the crap out of him. The moral of the story is: no matter how big the cock id , the pussy can always take it!,
Joke submitted
Answers from dogs when asked
“HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB ?”
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupburned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab : Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I’ve got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
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NASTY LITTLE DOG
Did you hear about the Chihuahua that killed the Rottweiler
Got stuck in his throat and choked it.
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TAXI DOG
Q: What did one flea say to the other after a night out?
A: Shall we walk home or take a dog?