A police officer questioned a man at the hospital, recovering from a blow to the head.
Police Officer: Are you sure he intended to hit you with the two-by-four? He’s claiming it was an accident.
Man: Yeah I’m sure! He called me by name, and then “BOOM!” I got hit on the back of the head!
Police officer: You said he called you by name. What specifically did he say to you?
Man: “The idiot can’t even come up with a good insult! He called me a duck!”,
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Shut Up !
A man and his wife drive down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop asks the man, “Do you know you were speeding?”
The man replies, “No sir, I didn’t know I was speeding.” The man’s wife then yells, “Yes you did, you knew you were speeding. I’ve been telling
you to slow down for miles.” “SHUT UP!” the man says to his wife, “Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quiet.” Then the cop says, “well, since
I’ve got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?” “No Sir” the man replies, “I did not know that”
“WHATEVER!” His wife yells, “I’ve been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!” “Shut up!” the man yells to his wife again.
“Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!” Curious, the cop walks over to the woman’s side of the car and asks her, “Does he always talk
to you this way?” “No”, she replies, ” Only when he’s been drinking!”,
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Ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’ He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
But I didn’t give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.
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BUZZ
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman’s vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but he couldn’t rise to the occasion because he was so nervous. “If neither of you objects,” the medic said, “I could give it a try.”
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor’s thrusts continued for several minutes.
“Hey, What the hell is happening?”
“Change of plans,” the physician panted. “I’m going to drown the little
bugger!”
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Open wider
A couple was going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asked the woman to open her legs a little wider. She did, and they continued.
After a few minutes, he tells her again, “Open your legs a little wider.”
She does, and then he says again, “A little wider, hon.”
The woman starts getting pissed off, but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, “Can you open them just a little wider?”
So she finally yells, “What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?”
He says, “No, I’m trying to get them out.”
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COLD
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he returns, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs, and that will warm them up.”
After lunch, he returns to chop some more wood and says
again, “Man! My hands are freezing!”
She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.” He
does, and again, that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out again to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
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Thinking
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a
mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, ”I like both.”
”Both?”
Engineer: ”Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”
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BUMP ASSES
The lady at the Immigration and Naturalization office came in late one day to see a room full of people. She took a moment to overhear a conversation already in progress before her anonymity was compromised. Two Italians were engaged in an animated discussion. Her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them say:
First, Emma is in a coma.
Then I coma.
Then to asses, they bump together.
Then I coma again.
Then to asses, they bump together again.
Then I coma again.
Then pee twice.
Then I came one last time.
“You foul mouth swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
He says to her, “Hey, coola downa lady. Imma justa teachin’ my frena’ howa’
to spella’ Mississippi.”
The Funnies bedtime story
CUBA
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, and the man drinks the whisky and then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?” The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says, “Alright then,” and the man leaves.
A few minutes later, another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, and the man drinks the whisky and then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you going to pay for that?” The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says, “Alright then,” and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea, walks up to the bar, and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky and then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?” The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says, “Hey where is your big black beard?”
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, “Secret Service!”
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The Teacher at the old Danish school, during a lecture in German, noticed a student fast asleep:
“Hey wake that student up!”
“You put him to sleep. . . you wake him up!”,
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COMPLICATED
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish and….'”
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WHY
Why is divorce so expensive? – Because it’s worth it.
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Why is air a lot like sex? – Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
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The Jogger
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the prominent bulge in
his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming lustfully. “Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”
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No Toilet Paper
There is a man who just finished eating dinner and was on his way to a party.
Halfway there, he said, “Man, I really gotta take a dump.” He got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station, went in there, and took a dump.
While taking this dump, he read a sign that said, “There is no toilet paper… You have to wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you.”
Well, he had no choice, so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.
All of a sudden, a guy with two bricks smacks his fingers.
The man screamed with pain and licked his fingers.
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CRAP
a woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs. Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet, she farts loudly. She looks around, nervously embarrassed to see if anyone has noticed her ‘little accident’ and hopes a sales salesperson will not pop up. As she turns back, she sees a salesman standing next to her.
“Good day Ma’am, how may we help you today?”
She asks uncomfortably, “How much does this rug cost?”
He answers, “Lady if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is.”
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