The way it was
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting. “
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me”.
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!”
“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“What happened?” asked her waiting friend.
“Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement.”
A married couple were lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short intervals before turning back to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?”
His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
“The husband says, “No, not at all.”
His wife angrily asks, “Well, what the hell were you doing ?”
“I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.”
Quick, Get me a beer!
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the
television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, the man says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another
beer, it’s going to start any minute.”
The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight?
Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken,
fat slob, and furthermore.”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck that way with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed. “For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an asshole!”
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she
didn’t miss them until after they had been driving for about 20 minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed, complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.
“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!”
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
The old boy would wake up every morning and give off an enormous fart, much to his long-suffering wife’s annoyance.
“You’ll fart your guts out one of these days,” she always complained.
After a particularly bad week, the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy’s arse.
While making breakfast downstairs, she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards, followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later, a rather shaken man came downstairs.
“You was right all along Missus,” the old man says, “I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers,
I managed to push ’em back in!”
A REAL STUD
A man took his wife to the rodeo, and one of the first exhibits they stopped at covered breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen, and a sign was attached that said, “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,
“He mated 50 times last year.”
They walked to the second pen, which had a sign attached that said, “This bull mated 120 times last year.” The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”
They walked to the third pen, and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said, “That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.”
The husband looked at her and said, “Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow.”